I just returned from the most magical three weeks in Madrid, the Amalfi Coast and Tuscany. The trip had its ups and downs (I was robbed of alllll my jewelry in Naples!!), but overall, it was incredible. I want to take you through step by step, because there was so much to do and see!

My wife Eva and I sent our dog Shakira off the the sitter, packed our bags and headed out for adventure. First stop: Madrid.

I had been encouraged to go to an indie author conference in Madrid called 20 Books by my bookish friend Joe Solari. My main reason for going was actually to meet Joe, which I did. I had a lovely dinner in downtown Madrid with him, his wife and their twin boys.

I wish I could say that the conference was amazing, but I did not have a good experience. Big groups can often trigger my social anxiety, and that’s exactly what happened. I didn’t know anyone other than Joe, and I felt overwhelmed. Although I tried to strike up conversation with others attending the conference, I didn’t find people to be that friendly.

However, Eva and I had a wonderful evening on our final night in Madrid. We wandered around the city and stumbled upon the gayborhood, Chueca. It felt so good to be among queer folks after a weekend feeling like an outsider. We had drinks at this really interesting, very Instagrammable bar called Serendipia. You must go!

I have a bad taste in my mouth about Naples now. I’ll tell you about the jewel heist later in the post, but first, let me explain what Naples is like.

Our plane touched down at the Naples airport, and there are no jet bridges there. You have to take a little bus into the airport from the tarmac. It was so hot and humid outside that it seriously felt tropical. Naples is gigantic, and outside of the historic center, the landscape is W I L D. There’s decaying urban sprawl as far as the eye can see. It feels post-apocalyptic. Think: crumbling buildings covered with crawling plants and no plan as to where anything should be built, so everything’s everywhere.

Our taxi was held together with MASKING TAPE. I’m not joking. Even the car radio was installed upside down. Additionally, the driver charged us double the fare that was listed on the meter. I didn’t feel like arguing about it, so I just paid and went about my business.

My friend Robin met us in Naples at the hotel, Grand Parker’s. The hotel is old, built in 1870, so it feels substantial. It’s got a bit of a Versailles vibe. Our room, a duplex suite was… erm… very run-down. We were only staying a night, so I didn’t let that get me too upset.

The roof bar and terrace are the hotel’s best features. The bar has a James Bond theme and plays this looping mix of all the movie soundtracks. I can’t imagine how sick to death the bartender is of hearing GoldenEye and Skyfall.

The view from the rooftop is breathtaking. The hotel hangs off of a cliff overlooking the coastline. You can see Mount Vesuvius in the distance. I’m always worried volcanoes will explode (I spent too much time in rural Guatemala!!), and I really didn’t want to be witness to a modern-day Pompeii, so, I was glad to bid Naples good-bye and head to Capri.

Capri captured my heart. However chic I imagined this Italian island to be, it exceeded my expectations times a hundred.

We stayed at Tiberio Palace, a five-star hotel right in the center of Capri. When we arrived, I was disappointed to find out that the room I had booked was not the room I received. I let the team there know that the reservation did not meet our expectations, and I was immediately UPGRADED to the most incredible, huge one-bedroom suite with the biggest bathtub I’ve ever seen. To put in perspective just how big this tub was, I am six feet tall, and I was floating in it without touching any of the edges. Enormous.

I made a deal with Robin that I would book the hotels if she booked the restaurants, and she delivered, bigtime. One dinner was at the famous Da Paolino, which serves traditional food under a lattice filled with lemon trees. It’s an extraordinary place with incredible food. There’s an entire room just filled with desserts!

We also experienced Capri by boat. I chartered a mini yacht (read: fancy speedboat with a bed and bathroom under deck), and we spent the whole day out along the coast, swimming in clear blue waters, exploring caves and taking photos with my books.

It was really hard to leave Capri, especially after the exceptional service at Tiberio Palace. However, I have always wanted to go to the Amalfi Coast, and Positano was on the top of my wishlist.

The day we were set to leave there was a storm that caused 2-meter waves in the ocean. Therefore, the ferry from Capri to Positano was cancelled. We had to take the boat to Sorrento, and let me tell you what… it was a very, very rough ride. Some of the waves we hit caused the boat to turn almost perpendicular to the water. I was very afraid we would capsize. Then Eva started saying, “Oh my God, what if we capsize?!” So, I kept whispering, “Stop saying capsize! You’re scaring everyone!”

We arrived safely in Sorrento and were picked up by a driver and taken along the coast to Positano. The drive was spectacular. You’re curving through the mountains on these tiny roads, and there are gorgeous views of the cliffs and the sea. A downpour started just as we arrived to our hotel, Eden Roc.

Interestingly, we were not given the room that I booked at Eden Roc (are we spotting a trend??), and instead, they gave us an automatic upgrade to THEIR BEST SUITE. To call it a suite isn’t really accurate. It’s a house. A whole house. With a garden full of lemon trees and a 4-person jacuzzi.

Once we checked in and got settled in our villa, the skies had cleared up, and we spotted––I shit you not––a double rainbow arching over the sea.

Positano is so beautiful that you can’t really take it all in. It’s not just a view… it’s the best view. Flowers explode and hang over trees, silk dresses blow in the wind from their shop windows, and beautiful tourists from all over the world stroll up and down the hills licking their gelatos.

Them hills will kill you, though. ;P

We had two glorious dinners in Positano and also drinks at a gorgeous little place called Franco’s Bar. The bar has an enormous fountain on the wall that they have painted high-gloss yellow; everything else is white with touches of cobalt blue. It’s so chic you could die.

After Positano, it was time to say goodbye to Robin and Eva and head to Tuscany. And, well… then I got robbed.

Eva took the high-speed train with me to Florence. At the Naples train station (Centrale), someone reached into my duffle bag and removed a large bag with all my jewelry. I didn’t feel a thing. I’m talking about pieces I have had since I was a child… my first-ever jewelry… things my mom gave me when she died. It was horrible. I reported it to the police, but they didn’t seem to care. I doubt I will ever see those special pieces again. It’s not about the money; it’s the lost memories and the feeling of being violated that are most painful. Now that my parents are gone, it’s hard to let go of anything that they gave me, let alone beautiful heirlooms that they wore every day.

Luckily in Tuscany, I found a group of fellow authors who dried my tears. Rosie Meleady, an Irish writer whom I met on Clubhouse, had organized this cool retreat at La Dogana, a villa on the edge of Tuscany and Umbria. The villa has been in the same family for four generations, and it’s managed by this beautiful, fiery woman named Lucia. La Dogana is situated on an olive grove with trees as ancient as three thousand years old. I didn’t even know trees could live that long. Did you?

La Dogana is agro-tourism, so it’s rustic. I don’t know if you noticed, but I’m not exactly a rustic gal. However, I had read a lot of reviews and prepared by bringing a pop-up mosquito tent that I laid out on top of my bed; I dipped myself lots of DEET bug spray. Mosquitos will fly from five miles away to feast on me, so I do whatever I can to protect my body. Haha.

The women at the retreat were intelligent, hilarious and kind. I think we all felt the same way about each other… that we had very rarely, if ever, been in the presence of such a strong group filled to the brim with big personalities. I truly loved each and every single person, all for different reasons completely unique to their character. We laughed and told stories, shared our dreams. I’ve made lifelong friends, and I’ll be coming back next year to plot our world takeover.

There are many more details that I don’t have time to share. I’ll cherish these memories forever. Undoubtedly, they’ll make it into my writing, so that you can enjoy them as well.