My Biggest Fears

I’m freaking out, y’all.

Periods of high self-esteem and enthusiasm in which I feel I’m “well on my way” are very often followed by cycles in which I feel like I will never get where I’m going.

For a long time, my deepest and most pervasive fear was that I couldn’t take care of myself financially––that I would fall into some kind of hole and never come out. After many years in business, thankfully, I have tamed that beast. But there’s a lesser ghost on my tail now.

The fear of failure.

I am neurodivergent. I have Bipolar Disorder and have taken medication for more than a decade that helps keep my depression and mania in check. However, anxiety is still a huge problem, and that’s what I battle on a near-daily basis.

My fear of failure is linked to my deeply-ingrained perfectionism. Combined, they trigger anxiety. For me, anxiety manifests as intrusive and cyclical negative thoughts, as well as physical symptoms like tingling and rapid heart rate.

What am I afraid of?

That no one will read my books. That I won’t be “successful”. That my dreams won’t come true. That climate change will ruin the world before I have a chance to live life to the fullest.

One thing that I do when I’m having periods of self-doubt is google inspirational quotes. This really helps me gain perspective and shift my thinking, even if it’s only slightly. Trust me, when my anxiety levels are high, any little bit helps.

Here are a few of the quotes that helped me today:

“A bend in the road is not the end of the road”

––HELEN KELLER

“Perseverance is failing 19 times and succeeding the 20th”

––JULIE ANDREWS

“A river cuts through rock not because of its power, but because of its perseverance.”

––PROVERB

And finally, when find myself feeling really low and frustrated that things are not going as fast as I would like them to, I have to remember what my mother always said about gardening, which is an axiom I apply to all things in life:

“The first year it sleeps. The second year it creeps. The third year it leaps.”

––GAIL LUMPKIN (RECITING A FAVORITE PROVERB)

So… Mom, if you’re up there listening... I hear you loud and clear.